Tuesday, March 08, 2005

In Remembrance and Beatitude

A frenzied key word search for one of my files eventually led me to a mail from a very close friend of mine. I owe a lot to this friend of mine who cared to put me back on track every time i went adrift ...she is the one who shed some light into the darkest recesses of my being that I myself dreaded venturing into. Her love for privacy prevents me from revealing her identity, but not her thoughts and reflections that i know will surely enrich every one who contemplates on it...for, she speaks from experience and courage of conviction. Read on>>>>


There are times when I hold a silent conversation within myself with some close to my heart….Those are the moments of communion. I have never really comprehended the dynamics of a relationship; I mean any relationship between two individuals, friends or siblings, whatever. But I do know that each relationship changes and shifts, progresses and transgresses. If it doesn't it atrophies. In a relationship / friendship the roles tend to get defined. Provider, supporter, giver or taker and clinger. But to avoid predictability roles need to shift now and then..isn't it? But then relationship isn't an inanimate object that we can tailor it to suit our needs. Some times I deliberately avoid speaking about certain things which might put a pressure on you to act the supporter. For I know you need to concentrate your energy on the work at hand. And acting a succour provider can drain a lot of energy. But again it doesn't mean that I put reins on every thought and feeling of mine .

You do know that don't you? I really admire your tremendous love for your work. What we generally get to see is apathy for work. Work is really a great companion, who usually stays by our side if we want them to. Therefore it deserves our attention too. Ajai, I have never been a very happy person..if you describe happiness as a kind of joviality. I do not have the kind of "in your face" happiness, therefore I risk being thought of as a morbid person.I do not have the ‘joi de vivre’, like your "Zorba".

Its sadness I am more comfortable with. It's an envelope I feel safe with. Maybe sadness and happiness are interwoven into the tapestry of my being..and you cannot distinguish the threads, which have intermingled intimately. I do love life and my fascination for the morbid underlines my love for life and the living. You have come like a dream to me and I live my life out here like an interval between dreams. I respect and value everything that you have advertently or inadvertently given to me; tenderness, care, concern, admonition, everything. And even if I do not have you near me..I have you with me.

PS the net is giving a lot of trouble..Getting logged out frequently..sorry about yesterday.


I remain in gratitude, my friend. You seem to see all hues of my being because your's is the clear light falling on it -pilgrimhawk-

Monday, March 07, 2005

An SMS pilgrimage

Here's the text of a series of SMS communication I exchanged with my friend on a sleepless night. What started off as a time evading exercise touched on something timeless i guess...what do you reckon?


Me: how did the interview go?

She: Flop, it was sports day. Perhaps next time

Me: Do not worry…run and jump your woes out. Take a break and travel if you can..

She: Ah..Travel… hmm…

Me: Sounds stoic…journeys are so rejuvenating, what prevents you from travelling..

Me: You must be having similar minded friends…travelling thus is fun

She: Long travel…my spine does not allow me that. Too much of nature fills me with void and friends..its a different story..

Me. Hey..real discovery is not in seeing new places, but in seeing the same place through new eyes….

Me: Applicable to relationships too..

She: Wow…that’ a good one…but no senses to understand

Me: Its beyond senses to understand , but can be comprehended at a subtle level I guess..

She: By senses I meant this- intelligence rooted in experience

Me: To know the unknown one needs to overcome the prejudice rooted in the known

She: I have had no inclination to know the unknown….if it all happens..so be it….habit, he he he..

Me: You can build you palace or coffin in your cocoon… to fly out you have to flutter your wings, and you must hake it happen…it is not habit. Freedom song is not freedom any way.

She: Great…will dig my grave …I need to come out of my prejudice to know many things….feeling sleepy…will bug you tomorrow morning

Me. Good night..sleep well !.


A desired end for a more desirable living

Just a freak thought....I feel there will be much more immediacy of purpose and sense of direction if one really knew one's life span...an inkling of when one is going to die. Lest, life becomes an seemingly endless postponement taking too many things for granted. An awareness of few years left, days…hours does really make one bring out one’s innate goodness and I wish that I die a conscious death . I want my final moments in constant remembrance of my deeds that disturbed me more than the ones that dispensed me joy, reasons I side stepped and promises I broke. Yet, at the same time I want to die with a smile with as little remorse , regret and retribution as possible. There is only one way I know of now towards this much desired dissolution - To live every moment doing everything I can towards greater common good, to reach out, to react against injustice and I believe that the courage of conviction to live thus can be mustered only if one dares to confront oneself in the darkest hours. How true, the good old saying : ”Character is what a man is in the dark!”