Tuesday, March 08, 2005

In Remembrance and Beatitude

A frenzied key word search for one of my files eventually led me to a mail from a very close friend of mine. I owe a lot to this friend of mine who cared to put me back on track every time i went adrift ...she is the one who shed some light into the darkest recesses of my being that I myself dreaded venturing into. Her love for privacy prevents me from revealing her identity, but not her thoughts and reflections that i know will surely enrich every one who contemplates on it...for, she speaks from experience and courage of conviction. Read on>>>>


There are times when I hold a silent conversation within myself with some close to my heart….Those are the moments of communion. I have never really comprehended the dynamics of a relationship; I mean any relationship between two individuals, friends or siblings, whatever. But I do know that each relationship changes and shifts, progresses and transgresses. If it doesn't it atrophies. In a relationship / friendship the roles tend to get defined. Provider, supporter, giver or taker and clinger. But to avoid predictability roles need to shift now and then..isn't it? But then relationship isn't an inanimate object that we can tailor it to suit our needs. Some times I deliberately avoid speaking about certain things which might put a pressure on you to act the supporter. For I know you need to concentrate your energy on the work at hand. And acting a succour provider can drain a lot of energy. But again it doesn't mean that I put reins on every thought and feeling of mine .

You do know that don't you? I really admire your tremendous love for your work. What we generally get to see is apathy for work. Work is really a great companion, who usually stays by our side if we want them to. Therefore it deserves our attention too. Ajai, I have never been a very happy person..if you describe happiness as a kind of joviality. I do not have the kind of "in your face" happiness, therefore I risk being thought of as a morbid person.I do not have the ‘joi de vivre’, like your "Zorba".

Its sadness I am more comfortable with. It's an envelope I feel safe with. Maybe sadness and happiness are interwoven into the tapestry of my being..and you cannot distinguish the threads, which have intermingled intimately. I do love life and my fascination for the morbid underlines my love for life and the living. You have come like a dream to me and I live my life out here like an interval between dreams. I respect and value everything that you have advertently or inadvertently given to me; tenderness, care, concern, admonition, everything. And even if I do not have you near me..I have you with me.

PS the net is giving a lot of trouble..Getting logged out frequently..sorry about yesterday.


I remain in gratitude, my friend. You seem to see all hues of my being because your's is the clear light falling on it -pilgrimhawk-


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