Reveries: February 06, 2005

Of brick bats and bouquets

The balancing act

Felt a bit elated today, but the elation soon died out. I know this is an occasion many would celebrate and I know that I have all the reasons to be proud on getting this promotion and a significant hike in remuneration. A multiple designation tagged with a alluring pay packet also means greater responsibilities on my shoulder and greater expectations from the management. I am not really bothered about how well I can execute new tasks, but the thought that what more can I give really disturbs me. Had this recognition come some time back , then perhaps I would have felt elated for a longer time, motivated too to prove myself in better ways. At this point all that I feel is a heaviness of being The chosen one. Many congratulated, many remarked ‘ you deserved it much before’ and I know still many more will be taken aback by surprise , perhaps irked too. Brick bats and bouquets do not seem to crucify or crown me any more in the same old ways.

True I have worked hard, primarily driven by a sense of commitment towards my profession and the vision I had behind every key task I executed. It did call for lot of sacrifices too, but then the glory was in seeing my work benefiting many, creating a new culture ( as a some one put it) in the campus. I feel content to see my work progress through every possible impediment laid on the way and traversing this path defined my existence. Misinterpretation, Isolation, Non cooperation…you name it, I had it all and the greatest solace and the finest catalyst for dissolving my woes was my work. Now I see many of them silenced ,the same people whom I used to hang around with during my initial days here. Now their silence seems to bother me. Memories of good times leave a deeper imprint, but then they are within the fringes of lined up scars inflicted by the very ones whose silence outsmarts their screams of sarcasm and gross misinterpretations.

Few more months here, and I must be on the move. I have always felt that my exit from this place would create jobs for at least 4 people. It is not that I have been doing the work of 4 professionals, it is just this that right from the beginning I was involved in diverse activities. Many saw it as keeping to myself quite a few responsibilities, but then they were extremely challenging jobs with no willing takers. Any way, it is all done and proved and I am happy that I did it my way. In fact , had it not been for the un questioned freedom I had right from the beginning, none of it would have been possible and yes, had it not been for the initial remarks of many ,when I embarked on specific tasks , predicting failures in my endeavors I would have possibly never invoked in me the killer instinct to surge through. I am glad that all these confrontations and experiences did help me understand myself better for, I did experience powerful sways of anger, disgust, vengeance, devotion, loneliness … and of course the aftermath of every bout of conflict within.

Appreciation and recognition is sweet when it comes from your own folks first. In my case it was just the other way round. Nevertheless, I am happy because there is a feeling of home coming though I know that I am not going to feel quite at home the way it was once. This recognition bestowed on me by the one who established this place , with whom I have not interacted much at all gives me hope that performance is monitored and good work is encouraged. Wish I do not feel tempted to see that brand new offer letter and letter of appreciation again… wish I could see myself devoid of all attributes,prefix and suffix. I do experience such moments, wish such moments last longer…and then I will be able to live up to that pathfinder guideline from my friend Effie – “ Remain graceful in winning!”.

I sum up thus!