Ramblings

These are the moments
of awakening
from the self forgetful slumber
in the dark chambers
of self imposed exile.


Reclusive detachment
or repulsive withdrawal
apparently,
to many !

Nightmares shudder you off your bed
so often in your sleep,
then you sleep walk on
the edges of a neon lit phantasmagoria
and in a lightning flash you see the chasms
and realize that you cannot make it back
on your own....



while you glide back..
past the alluring, enticing
cliffs of delirium
you would have otherwise climbed
and perhaps jumped off too.



What saving grace averted it?
Which guardian angel led you by?

You open your eyes look on...
the books on your bed and scattered clothes all around,
the wet towel in the balcony
assures you another day without bath
and you reach out for the deodorant
you threw away yesterday.
You look on as if
a part of you is watching yourself,
take out the writing pad trying to scribble
the thoughts that flashed through last night
only to realize that they were just flashes
that failed ignite the spark.

You dress up and rush
eager to see the progress of
the task you automated last night...
back in your cabin
you take refuge from the cramping loneliness
of your dwelling that often becomes
a time machine as you really try hard,
concentrating ,
to sleep.



You turn on the monitor
and you still look on
trying to conjure up the work schedule
you set yesterday, and trying to read
what you jotted down
and after a few attempts you give up
unable to read your own hand writing.

You realize you are beginning
To learn the fine art
of laughing at yourself.

The monitor with its desk top filled
teleports you into it
while you look into the recycle bin too
to locate the missing file.

You google out your ignorance
dancing to the tunes of
finger taps on the key board...
metamorphosising into
information at your finger tip
with its might potential
to swing around your mood
within the scales of micro seconds.



You open your mail box....
and read with disbelief
of your friend who passed away yesterday
of a massive heart attack,
you click on your favourite
online newspaper website
and your eyes will not miss
those boxed items
set like catchments
of your fancy looking for
the day's new botheration
amidst monotonous concerns
or just a desperate fix.


You walk through the corridors alone
ruminating on
the cool indifference
of the very ones you care for
and the scheming ploys
of your colleagues..
misinterpretations, reinterpretations
justifications...
dead lines and responsibilities....
caught in the quagmire of survival
driven by pain
drawn by longing
torn by despair
lifted by hope..

You move on
mustering enough
zorba's zest,
cretan grit
to wrap up the
mundane strife
and cyber grief.



Yet another day coming to an end
You set out for a long walk
look on and see...
the man on the crutches
running to catch the bus...
they dropout packing his bag
casting a lost lingering look
to start his life anew....
the molested woman
walking away with face upright...
the manic depressive trying his best
to excel at work...
the leper's wound awash with the moonlight
reminding you of
the moon seen through the telescope...

Walking back to your dwelling you realize
that you are walking on a planet
adrift like a grain of sand
in the morning sky
and a few thousands of days left
to live out your desired life span.



Reasons here give way
to subtle correlations merging into
a deeper sense of connectedness.

You stop for a while
perch on that bench...
and you feel the soothing bubbling of compassion
clearing of the murk within...
you get up and say good bye to the stranger
who shared the bench...
the gleam in his eyes...that smile
and a much gentler 'good bye' from him
assures you of the joy of being alive
and staying connected.

You get overtaken all of a sudden
with a deep sense of gratitude
and benediction on your
ability to see…to feel…and the responsive urge
to reach out expressing deeper concerns
towards greater common good.



You walk back...
with a smile
like a dying man who
smiles for no apparently
possible reason at all...

You walk back
ready for anything
with a silent prayer that
you will begin to see
the glimmer of a new growth in
every twist and turn of life
and every sequence of incidents
no matter how fierce
is the conflict between
the security of known misery
and the insecurity of unknown misery.



It all seems like a wonderful
Pastime to renew ,refresh
amuse and liberate myself
through ever new perspectives
of seeing beyond the obvious.